Dice to Meet You: Tales from the Goddess's Repose

by Jacob Haller

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about

These songs were written for season 2 of the 'Dice to Meet You' Dungeons and Dragons podcast, available at dicetomeetyou.com and wherever podcasts are available, and were recorded during tapings of the podcast.

The podcast concerns the adventures of Grouse the mouse rogue (played by Glen Tickle), Skullbutt the feline bard (played by me), Audreyn Thwaite the goat monk (played by Tara Dunderdale), and Decim D. Tauren the bear cleric (played by Troy Carvale). The host and dungeon master is Keith McBlane.

You can learn more about the world of the campaign at dicetomeetyou.com/the-goddess-repose-campaign-info/ .

The songs may not make sense to anyone not listening to the podcast, but I hope they are fun either way!

credits

released December 30, 2016

Music and lyrics by Jacob Haller. Art by Shaenon K. Garrity. 'Dice to Meet You' logo by Keith McBlane.

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license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

about

Jacob Haller Providence, Rhode Island

Jacob Haller has been a fixture of the Rhode Island music scene for ten years, and has been frequently featured in popular shows such as AS220's Empire Revue and Common Fence Point Music's annual Gathering of Fiddlers & Fishermen.

"Jacob Haller is not only a talented musician and songwriter, he's also a talented songwriter and musician."

-- Harper Johnson, Co-Host of The Blues Record podcast
... more

shows

  • Aug 09
    Providence, RI
  • Dec 13
    Providence, RI

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Track Name: Bells
A cat said to a human mouse,
"Let's to the Goddess go."
A goat and bear gave their consent,
And so they made it so.

They travelled months, then they arrived.
They spoke the magic words.
A lizard asked a favor, so
they put away their swords.

They came upon a room of bells
Hanging on ropes and string.
The mouse rappelled across the room,
Without a single 'ding'.

The bear came next. He followed on,
Across the room he swung.
We braced ourselves for racket -- yet
The bells remained un-rung.

This cat's adventured many years.
He's seen an awful lot.
He's seen kind acts, and brave ones, too,
Oft done without forethought.

And so he asks you to trust him,
For he says just what he means:
That bear swinging across the ropes
Was the craziest thing he's ever seen.

[solo over first verse]
Track Name: Kevin
As I was walking up the stairs to the Goddess's Heart,
I met a man whose backside had been pierced by many darts.
His clothes were gone, or almost: he still had his underclothes.
I asked him why. He shrugged, and said, "Sometimes that's how it goes:

I travelled with a fighter.
He called himself Kevin.
I might have met a dumber jock,
If so, I can't say when.
I got KOed. He took my clothes.
Excuse me my outburst,
but if you've met him, I am sorry,
Because Kevin is the worst."

Proceeding, we soon came upon this self-styled brave knight.
His stupid face betrayed a complete lack of any insight.
Swing first, ask questions later, was his one approach to a fight.
I asked him why. He stated, "Killing monsters's a delight.

I'm a terrible person."
I'm paraphrasing here.
"I kill things that are different,
'Cause I live my life in fear.
Even if they're doing laundry,
By me, they'll be oppressed.
They'll be sorry that they met me,
For Kevin is racist."

BRIDGE:

Now, I know many people have strong feelings about monsters. But have you ever sat down and talked to one? They have families, lives, and dreams, just like everyone else. It's not their fault that society has branded them 'evil' and considers them disposable. So just think about that, the next time you come across a monster carrying out some innocuous everyday task, and leave them alone, or even lend them a hand. Don't be like Kevin. That guy is a total loser.

Our mouse rogue got right in his face and told him to be nice,
He used short words and phrases, and explained it to him twice.
Then, suitably cowed, Kevin slowly slunk away.
Perhaps he's fixed his habits, but, just to be safe, I'd say:

Always look out for this fighter,
He calls himself Kevin.
I might have met a bigger twerp,
If so, I can't say when.
If he gives you lip, a little whip
reminds him where he stands.
Please don't go easy on him.
He's the worst in all the lands.
Track Name: Chimera
If you're a mouse, & you're tired of looking too dang cute,
Or you're a bear, and you want a white monkey suit,
Then don't be dumb, no -- be astute,
And get your clothes at Chimera Wares!

If you're a cat who's singing in a burlesque show,
Or you're a biological control agent on the go,
Then just head to the shop that's never so-so,
And get your clothes at Chimera Wares!

BRIDGE:
Felsir will help you out, whether you're human, horse, or boar.
If you go there once, I guarantee you'll want to go back for more!

So for first-rate fashions at below list price,
Head to Chimera, & use discount code 'DICE'.
It never hurts to ask, at least that's my advice,
When you shop at Chimera Wares.
Track Name: Punch
[speaking] Here's a song I wrote, and I want to send it out to any members of law enforcement that are out there tonight. I hope you enjoy it! Here's how it goes:

Don't punch before asking questions.
Inquire 'fore you do any harm.
Ask first! You might find
that you'd previously been blind
to reasons to not be alarmed.

Don't punch before asking questions.
It's a thing you'll regret if you do.
If you act prematurely,
You might find, metaphorically,
That the one that you're punching is you.
Track Name: Jailhouse
You know that living in the city
Isn't very pretty
When you're used to punching demons in the nose.
My friends were in a bar,
Reminiscing about their war,
When a porcupine appeared in wizard's clothes.

Now, he said he'd had a friend,
who had been an evil man,
Till the porcupine at last had sold him out.
Now he's looking for his daughter,
And he thought my friends should oughter
Teleport to a new world and help him out.

(And how'd that work out for them?)

They're in the jailhouse now.
They're in the jailhouse now.
They chose to seek that piney girl,
Instead of sticking to their own damn world.
They're in the jailhouse now.

Well, the porcupine said the trut'
was his daughter had a flute,
And a weapon that he couldn't explicate.
Now, he made this quest sound fine,
To my friends, who, at the time,
Were a human, half-elf, and a dwarf curate.

So they got transported here,
Transformed to a goat and mouse and bear,
And they ran into me, and we shared an ale.
They'd been searching far and wide,
So I offered to be their guide,
We figured there was no way that we could fail.

(But guess what?)

We're in the jailhouse now.
We're in the jailhouse now.
They could have stayed back home,
And retained a more or less human form.
They're in the jailhouse now.

Next, we went to the Goddess' Repose.
Spent a bunch of time buying fancy clothes.
We searched and searched for clues around the town.
We tried to meet the mayor,
But she wouldn't meet us on a dare.
We didn't let these setbacks get us down.

I had written up a flyer,
Which I’d hoped might help us find her,
But later, at the bar, there'd been no bite.
After a few drinks, we'd agreed,
that we would see what we could see
At the zoning office late that very night.

(And was that a good idea?)

We're in the jailhouse now.
We're in the jailhouse now.
The Sheriff took one look,
Beat me half to death, then threw the book.
We're in the jailhouse now.

So that's our story and our fate,
So won't you please bring us up to date,
Here in the jailhouse now?
Track Name: Celesa
We met in the Stone's Throw.
We discussed your artistry.
We talked about your marble block,
Let me ask you, with all sincerity:

Oh, Celesa,
Let's adventure down in Torsoland.
I'm going to fetch some fabric.
I could really use a hand.

This might seem kind of awkward,
'Specially if you're from the woods.
But I think when you know me better,
You'll see my intentions are good.

Aw, Celesa,
I've never done anything this before,
But we've got a quest to Torsoland,
Won't you please open up your door?

I got you an adventuring accessory,
It's made out of silver wire.
It'll be just the thing to wear on down
To Chimera's fabric supplier.

Oh, Celesa,
I know we'll both have a real good time.
Let's go and fetch some fabric.
You can just leave your lip gloss behind.
Track Name: Lesson
Audreyn is trying to find self-love
I'm not sure it's going that great.

And Grouse and Nightwhisper are awkwardly chatting.
I guess there are worse dating fates,

'Cause Decim, he almost killed Remmy with flowers
He conjured using 'spiritual weapon'.

They say you're judged by the company you keep.
Celesa, I want to thank you for ignoring that lesson.
Track Name: Walkthrough
Dear Ms. Thel,

Thank you for your employment -- it has been a pleasure working as an independent contractor on your behalf.

In case you hire other adventurers to get fabric for you, I wanted to provide an song to accompany your map, with some tips that they might find useful.

Of course, any adventurers wishing to have the full experience for themselves, without warnings, are free not to read it.

Your humble servent,
Skullbutt

Follow the directions on through Torsoland.
If you meet any kobolds, be kind.
You'll come to a cavern with eight different exits,
A riddle you'll have to unwind.

Passage number two, if you count from the left,
will take you right to a canoe.
Prepare for rough waters, and paddle on down,
and the river will take you right through.

When you see spiderwebs coming up on ahead,
Get ready to get off the ship.
On your right, there's a passage, so land right in there.
You're nearing the end of your trip.

You'll meet a big spider, but don't be afraid.
It'll take you to Meesrah the elf.
Her tea is disgusting, but you probably won't die,
So drink it, or not. Suit yourself.

So that's my advice for your fabric quest.
I hope it's been useful to you.
If anyone asks you, "Say, what's your secret?"
Just tell 'em, Skullbutt steered you true.
Track Name: Dog
When I asked you where Celesa was, I thought you'd understand.
Instead you made it look like I was being underhand.
You knew she was artistic and I was looking for a date.
You really set me up for a supremely awkward fate.

You agreed to be a matchmaker, and I gave you all my trust.
I thought you were an expert, a thought I'll have to readjust.
What were you thinking, setting me up with all those different folks?
Your vaunted expertise appears to be a cruel hoax.

I thought that we were friendly, even though we're dog and cat,
but now I'm far from sure exactly where your head is at.
I thought your name was accurate, that you're the real McCoy,
But now I have to wonder -- are you really a Good Boy?
Track Name: Crime
Now, Mouse Grouse went to Hog Wild.
He was looking for a gift,
For his dating pal Nightwhisper,
Which he vowed not to shoplift.
Now, don't do crimes,
'Cause crimes are bad.

Ms. Squirrel was eyeing his purchase,
taking interest in what he paid.
He told her not to steal,
And he showed her his knife's blade.
Said, "Now, don't do crimes,
'Cause crimes are bad."

CHORUS:
Now I've used my knifes performing heists,
But I won't, no more.
I'm gonna miss those capers in the time to come,
When the heart door is wide open, and someone has claimed the prize,
I'm gonna think about the days that I snuck around
and I stabbed some fools.
I'm gonna miss those capers, now I know that crimes are bad.

Now Ms. Squirrel followed him to Heart City,
and she said to apologize.
She accused him of shoplifting,
But Grouse said, "Damn your eyes.
I don't do crimes,
'Cause crimes are bad."

Ms. Squirrel, she threatened our hero.
She dealt him quite a blow.
But Grouse's knifes went 'snicker snack',
And the squirrel was on the floor,
'Cause she did a crime,
And crimes are bad.

[CHORUS]

Now the sheriff came to the scene,
And he seemed a bit distressed.
He said, "It's a tricky situation,
'Cause Ms. Squirrel, she's from Cineste,
and she did a crime,
and crimes are bad."

He said, "We might be in a pickle,
maybe even a barrelful.
'Cause when crimes occur 'cross city limits,
It becomes political,
Still, don't do crimes,
'Cause crimes are bad.

[CHORUS]
Track Name: Faeries
An adventurer went, of his own free volition,
to the Land of the Faeries, but he had no permission.
His face was slack-jawed, with no sign of cognition.
He was breaking the law, which was bad.

He stomped in and shouted, "Now, who can I fight?
I'm looking for monsters, to make them take flight!
I'll kill them, because I think that is my right!"
He was dumb as a rock, and quite mad.

The faeries dealt with him, as faeries are able,
They sent him to sleep, and they made him a table.
Doubt me if you want, but I swear it's no fable.
My story is quite ironclad.

The Duke of the Faeries is merciful and wise.
He's strong, while still willing to compromise.
So he gave him to some of Heart City's allies, (that's us!)
So he'll soon be in jail and quite sad.
And everybody that he's ever met will be glad,
'Cause he'll be pelted with fruit till he's plaid.
Track Name: Shoelaces
They're beautiful and long.
They're what keeps all our shoes on.
They're quite useful, it's true,
For you, if you wear a shoe.

In that case, I quite heartily suggest
that you acquire them by the pair.
Just in case you should happen to break them,
I would definitely buy a spare!

Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces shoe-
Laces shoelaces shoelaces shoelace-
Es shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces.
Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces.

Some folks, they might say no.
Those fools want to use velcro,
Some go barefoot, as well.
Screw that! They can go to hell!

From this folly they always will suffer.
Their feet never will be nicely dressed.
For a shoelace lifestyle is perfect.
A shoelace lends to walking its zest.

Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces shoe-
Laces shoelaces shoelaces shoelace-
Es shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces.
Shoelaces shoelaces
Shoelaces shoelaces
Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces.