Dice to Meet You: Tales from the Goddess's Repose

by Jacob Haller

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02:24
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00:44

about

These songs were written for season 2 of the 'Dice to Meet You' Dungeons and Dragons podcast, available at dicetomeetyou.com and wherever podcasts are available, and were recorded during tapings of the podcast.

The podcast concerns the adventures of Grouse the mouse rogue (played by Glen Tickle), Skullbutt the feline bard (played by me), Audreyn Thwaite the goat monk (played by Tara Dunderdale), and Decim D. Tauren the bear cleric (played by Troy Carvale). The host and dungeon master is Keith McBlane.

You can learn more about the world of the campaign at dicetomeetyou.com/the-goddess-repose-campaign-info/ .

The songs may not make sense to anyone not listening to the podcast, but I hope they are fun either way!

credits

released December 30, 2016

Music and lyrics by Jacob Haller. Art by Shaenon K. Garrity. 'Dice to Meet You' logo by Keith McBlane.

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Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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about

Jacob Haller Providence, Rhode Island

Jacob Haller has been a fixture of the Rhode Island music scene for ten years, and has been frequently featured in popular shows such as AS220's Empire Revue and Common Fence Point Music's annual Gathering of Fiddlers & Fishermen.

"Jacob Haller is not only a talented musician and songwriter, he's also a talented songwriter and musician."

-- Harper Johnson, Co-Host of The Blues Record podcast
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Track Name: Bells
A cat said to a human mouse,
"Let's to the Goddess go."
A goat and bear gave their consent,
And so they made it so.

They travelled months, then they arrived.
They spoke the magic words.
A lizard asked a favor, so
they put away their swords.

They came upon a room of bells
Hanging on ropes and string.
The mouse rappelled across the room,
Without a single 'ding'.

The bear came next. He followed on,
Across the room he swung.
We braced ourselves for racket -- yet
The bells remained un-rung.

This cat's adventured many years.
He's seen an awful lot.
He's seen kind acts, and brave ones, too,
Oft done without forethought.

And so he asks you to trust him,
For he says just what he means:
That bear swinging across the ropes
Was the craziest thing he's ever seen.

[solo over first verse]
Track Name: Kevin
As I was walking up the stairs to the Goddess's Heart,
I met a man whose backside had been pierced by many darts.
His clothes were gone, or almost: he still had his underclothes.
I asked him why. He shrugged, and said, "Sometimes that's how it goes:

I travelled with a fighter.
He called himself Kevin.
I might have met a dumber jock,
If so, I can't say when.
I got KOed. He took my clothes.
Excuse me my outburst,
but if you've met him, I am sorry,
Because Kevin is the worst."

Proceeding, we soon came upon this self-styled brave knight.
His stupid face betrayed a complete lack of any insight.
Swing first, ask questions later, was his one approach to a fight.
I asked him why. He stated, "Killing monsters's a delight.

I'm a terrible person."
I'm paraphrasing here.
"I kill things that are different,
'Cause I live my life in fear.
Even if they're doing laundry,
By me, they'll be oppressed.
They'll be sorry that they met me,
For Kevin is racist."

BRIDGE:

Now, I know many people have strong feelings about monsters. But have you ever sat down and talked to one? They have families, lives, and dreams, just like everyone else. It's not their fault that society has branded them 'evil' and considers them disposable. So just think about that, the next time you come across a monster carrying out some innocuous everyday task, and leave them alone, or even lend them a hand. Don't be like Kevin. That guy is a total loser.

Our mouse rogue got right in his face and told him to be nice,
He used short words and phrases, and explained it to him twice.
Then, suitably cowed, Kevin slowly slunk away.
Perhaps he's fixed his habits, but, just to be safe, I'd say:

Always look out for this fighter,
He calls himself Kevin.
I might have met a bigger twerp,
If so, I can't say when.
If he gives you lip, a little whip
reminds him where he stands.
Please don't go easy on him.
He's the worst in all the lands.
Track Name: Chimera
If you're a mouse, & you're tired of looking too dang cute,
Or you're a bear, and you want a white monkey suit,
Then don't be dumb, no -- be astute,
And get your clothes at Chimera Wares!

If you're a cat who's singing in a burlesque show,
Or you're a biological control agent on the go,
Then just head to the shop that's never so-so,
And get your clothes at Chimera Wares!

BRIDGE:
Felsir will help you out, whether you're human, horse, or boar.
If you go there once, I guarantee you'll want to go back for more!

So for first-rate fashions at below list price,
Head to Chimera, & use discount code 'DICE'.
It never hurts to ask, at least that's my advice,
When you shop at Chimera Wares.
Track Name: Punch
[speaking] Here's a song I wrote, and I want to send it out to any members of law enforcement that are out there tonight. I hope you enjoy it! Here's how it goes:

Don't punch before asking questions.
Inquire 'fore you do any harm.
Ask first! You might find
that you'd previously been blind
to reasons to not be alarmed.

Don't punch before asking questions.
It's a thing you'll regret if you do.
If you act prematurely,
You might find, metaphorically,
That the one that you're punching is you.
Track Name: Jailhouse
You know that living in the city
Isn't very pretty
When you're used to punching demons in the nose.
My friends were in a bar,
Reminiscing about their war,
When a porcupine appeared in wizard's clothes.

Now, he said he'd had a friend,
who had been an evil man,
Till the porcupine at last had sold him out.
Now he's looking for his daughter,
And he thought my friends should oughter
Teleport to a new world and help him out.

(And how'd that work out for them?)

They're in the jailhouse now.
They're in the jailhouse now.
They chose to seek that piney girl,
Instead of sticking to their own damn world.
They're in the jailhouse now.

Well, the porcupine said the trut'
was his daughter had a flute,
And a weapon that he couldn't explicate.
Now, he made this quest sound fine,
To my friends, who, at the time,
Were a human, half-elf, and a dwarf curate.

So they got transported here,
Transformed to a goat and mouse and bear,
And they ran into me, and we shared an ale.
They'd been searching far and wide,
So I offered to be their guide,
We figured there was no way that we could fail.

(But guess what?)

We're in the jailhouse now.
We're in the jailhouse now.
They could have stayed back home,
And retained a more or less human form.
They're in the jailhouse now.

Next, we went to the Goddess' Repose.
Spent a bunch of time buying fancy clothes.
We searched and searched for clues around the town.
We tried to meet the mayor,
But she wouldn't meet us on a dare.
We didn't let these setbacks get us down.

I had written up a flyer,
Which I’d hoped might help us find her,
But later, at the bar, there'd been no bite.
After a few drinks, we'd agreed,
that we would see what we could see
At the zoning office late that very night.

(And was that a good idea?)

We're in the jailhouse now.
We're in the jailhouse now.
The Sheriff took one look,
Beat me half to death, then threw the book.
We're in the jailhouse now.

So that's our story and our fate,
So won't you please bring us up to date,
Here in the jailhouse now?
Track Name: Celesa
We met in the Stone's Throw.
We discussed your artistry.
We talked about your marble block,
Let me ask you, with all sincerity:

Oh, Celesa,
Let's adventure down in Torsoland.
I'm going to fetch some fabric.
I could really use a hand.

This might seem kind of awkward,
'Specially if you're from the woods.
But I think when you know me better,
You'll see my intentions are good.

Aw, Celesa,
I've never done anything this before,
But we've got a quest to Torsoland,
Won't you please open up your door?

I got you an adventuring accessory,
It's made out of silver wire.
It'll be just the thing to wear on down
To Chimera's fabric supplier.

Oh, Celesa,
I know we'll both have a real good time.
Let's go and fetch some fabric.
You can just leave your lip gloss behind.
Track Name: Lesson
Audreyn is trying to find self-love
I'm not sure it's going that great.

And Grouse and Nightwhisper are awkwardly chatting.
I guess there are worse dating fates,

'Cause Decim, he almost killed Remmy with flowers
He conjured using 'spiritual weapon'.

They say you're judged by the company you keep.
Celesa, I want to thank you for ignoring that lesson.