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Dice to Meet You: Tales from the Goddess's Repose

by Jacob Haller

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Bells 01:59
A cat said to a human mouse, "Let's to the Goddess go." A goat and bear gave their consent, And so they made it so. They travelled months, then they arrived. They spoke the magic words. A lizard asked a favor, so they put away their swords. They came upon a room of bells Hanging on ropes and string. The mouse rappelled across the room, Without a single 'ding'. The bear came next. He followed on, Across the room he swung. We braced ourselves for racket -- yet The bells remained un-rung. This cat's adventured many years. He's seen an awful lot. He's seen kind acts, and brave ones, too, Oft done without forethought. And so he asks you to trust him, For he says just what he means: That bear swinging across the ropes Was the craziest thing he's ever seen. [solo over first verse]
Kevin 03:07
As I was walking up the stairs to the Goddess's Heart, I met a man whose backside had been pierced by many darts. His clothes were gone, or almost: he still had his underclothes. I asked him why. He shrugged, and said, "Sometimes that's how it goes: I travelled with a fighter. He called himself Kevin. I might have met a dumber jock, If so, I can't say when. I got KOed. He took my clothes. Excuse me my outburst, but if you've met him, I am sorry, Because Kevin is the worst." Proceeding, we soon came upon this self-styled brave knight. His stupid face betrayed a complete lack of any insight. Swing first, ask questions later, was his one approach to a fight. I asked him why. He stated, "Killing monsters's a delight. I'm a terrible person." I'm paraphrasing here. "I kill things that are different, 'Cause I live my life in fear. Even if they're doing laundry, By me, they'll be oppressed. They'll be sorry that they met me, For Kevin is racist." BRIDGE: Now, I know many people have strong feelings about monsters. But have you ever sat down and talked to one? They have families, lives, and dreams, just like everyone else. It's not their fault that society has branded them 'evil' and considers them disposable. So just think about that, the next time you come across a monster carrying out some innocuous everyday task, and leave them alone, or even lend them a hand. Don't be like Kevin. That guy is a total loser. Our mouse rogue got right in his face and told him to be nice, He used short words and phrases, and explained it to him twice. Then, suitably cowed, Kevin slowly slunk away. Perhaps he's fixed his habits, but, just to be safe, I'd say: Always look out for this fighter, He calls himself Kevin. I might have met a bigger twerp, If so, I can't say when. If he gives you lip, a little whip reminds him where he stands. Please don't go easy on him. He's the worst in all the lands.
Chimera 01:07
If you're a mouse, & you're tired of looking too dang cute, Or you're a bear, and you want a white monkey suit, Then don't be dumb, no -- be astute, And get your clothes at Chimera Wares! If you're a cat who's singing in a burlesque show, Or you're a biological control agent on the go, Then just head to the shop that's never so-so, And get your clothes at Chimera Wares! BRIDGE: Felsir will help you out, whether you're human, horse, or boar. If you go there once, I guarantee you'll want to go back for more! So for first-rate fashions at below list price, Head to Chimera, & use discount code 'DICE'. It never hurts to ask, at least that's my advice, When you shop at Chimera Wares.
Punch 02:11
[speaking] Here's a song I wrote, and I want to send it out to any members of law enforcement that are out there tonight. I hope you enjoy it! Here's how it goes: Don't punch before asking questions. Inquire 'fore you do any harm. Ask first! You might find that you'd previously been blind to reasons to not be alarmed. Don't punch before asking questions. It's a thing you'll regret if you do. If you act prematurely, You might find, metaphorically, That the one that you're punching is you.
Jailhouse 02:50
You know that living in the city Isn't very pretty When you're used to punching demons in the nose. My friends were in a bar, Reminiscing about their war, When a porcupine appeared in wizard's clothes. Now, he said he'd had a friend, who had been an evil man, Till the porcupine at last had sold him out. Now he's looking for his daughter, And he thought my friends should oughter Teleport to a new world and help him out. (And how'd that work out for them?) They're in the jailhouse now. They're in the jailhouse now. They chose to seek that piney girl, Instead of sticking to their own damn world. They're in the jailhouse now. Well, the porcupine said the trut' was his daughter had a flute, And a weapon that he couldn't explicate. Now, he made this quest sound fine, To my friends, who, at the time, Were a human, half-elf, and a dwarf curate. So they got transported here, Transformed to a goat and mouse and bear, And they ran into me, and we shared an ale. They'd been searching far and wide, So I offered to be their guide, We figured there was no way that we could fail. (But guess what?) We're in the jailhouse now. We're in the jailhouse now. They could have stayed back home, And retained a more or less human form. They're in the jailhouse now. Next, we went to the Goddess' Repose. Spent a bunch of time buying fancy clothes. We searched and searched for clues around the town. We tried to meet the mayor, But she wouldn't meet us on a dare. We didn't let these setbacks get us down. I had written up a flyer, Which I’d hoped might help us find her, But later, at the bar, there'd been no bite. After a few drinks, we'd agreed, that we would see what we could see At the zoning office late that very night. (And was that a good idea?) We're in the jailhouse now. We're in the jailhouse now. The Sheriff took one look, Beat me half to death, then threw the book. We're in the jailhouse now. So that's our story and our fate, So won't you please bring us up to date, Here in the jailhouse now?
Celesa 02:24
We met in the Stone's Throw. We discussed your artistry. We talked about your marble block, Let me ask you, with all sincerity: Oh, Celesa, Let's adventure down in Torsoland. I'm going to fetch some fabric. I could really use a hand. This might seem kind of awkward, 'Specially if you're from the woods. But I think when you know me better, You'll see my intentions are good. Aw, Celesa, I've never done anything this before, But we've got a quest to Torsoland, Won't you please open up your door? I got you an adventuring accessory, It's made out of silver wire. It'll be just the thing to wear on down To Chimera's fabric supplier. Oh, Celesa, I know we'll both have a real good time. Let's go and fetch some fabric. You can just leave your lip gloss behind.
Lesson 00:45
Audreyn is trying to find self-love I'm not sure it's going that great. And Grouse and Nightwhisper are awkwardly chatting. I guess there are worse dating fates, 'Cause Decim, he almost killed Remmy with flowers He conjured using 'spiritual weapon'. They say you're judged by the company you keep. Celesa, I want to thank you for ignoring that lesson.
Walkthrough 02:06
Dear Ms. Thel, Thank you for your employment -- it has been a pleasure working as an independent contractor on your behalf. In case you hire other adventurers to get fabric for you, I wanted to provide an song to accompany your map, with some tips that they might find useful. Of course, any adventurers wishing to have the full experience for themselves, without warnings, are free not to read it. Your humble servent, Skullbutt Follow the directions on through Torsoland. If you meet any kobolds, be kind. You'll come to a cavern with eight different exits, A riddle you'll have to unwind. Passage number two, if you count from the left, will take you right to a canoe. Prepare for rough waters, and paddle on down, and the river will take you right through. When you see spiderwebs coming up on ahead, Get ready to get off the ship. On your right, there's a passage, so land right in there. You're nearing the end of your trip. You'll meet a big spider, but don't be afraid. It'll take you to Meesrah the elf. Her tea is disgusting, but you probably won't die, So drink it, or not. Suit yourself. So that's my advice for your fabric quest. I hope it's been useful to you. If anyone asks you, "Say, what's your secret?" Just tell 'em, Skullbutt steered you true.
Dog 01:21
When I asked you where Celesa was, I thought you'd understand. Instead you made it look like I was being underhand. You knew she was artistic and I was looking for a date. You really set me up for a supremely awkward fate. You agreed to be a matchmaker, and I gave you all my trust. I thought you were an expert, a thought I'll have to readjust. What were you thinking, setting me up with all those different folks? Your vaunted expertise appears to be a cruel hoax. I thought that we were friendly, even though we're dog and cat, but now I'm far from sure exactly where your head is at. I thought your name was accurate, that you're the real McCoy, But now I have to wonder -- are you really a Good Boy?
Crime 02:59
Now, Mouse Grouse went to Hog Wild. He was looking for a gift, For his dating pal Nightwhisper, Which he vowed not to shoplift. Now, don't do crimes, 'Cause crimes are bad. Ms. Squirrel was eyeing his purchase, taking interest in what he paid. He told her not to steal, And he showed her his knife's blade. Said, "Now, don't do crimes, 'Cause crimes are bad." CHORUS: Now I've used my knifes performing heists, But I won't, no more. I'm gonna miss those capers in the time to come, When the heart door is wide open, and someone has claimed the prize, I'm gonna think about the days that I snuck around and I stabbed some fools. I'm gonna miss those capers, now I know that crimes are bad. Now Ms. Squirrel followed him to Heart City, and she said to apologize. She accused him of shoplifting, But Grouse said, "Damn your eyes. I don't do crimes, 'Cause crimes are bad." Ms. Squirrel, she threatened our hero. She dealt him quite a blow. But Grouse's knifes went 'snicker snack', And the squirrel was on the floor, 'Cause she did a crime, And crimes are bad. [CHORUS] Now the sheriff came to the scene, And he seemed a bit distressed. He said, "It's a tricky situation, 'Cause Ms. Squirrel, she's from Cineste, and she did a crime, and crimes are bad." He said, "We might be in a pickle, maybe even a barrelful. 'Cause when crimes occur 'cross city limits, It becomes political, Still, don't do crimes, 'Cause crimes are bad. [CHORUS]
Faeries 01:26
An adventurer went, of his own free volition, to the Land of the Faeries, but he had no permission. His face was slack-jawed, with no sign of cognition. He was breaking the law, which was bad. He stomped in and shouted, "Now, who can I fight? I'm looking for monsters, to make them take flight! I'll kill them, because I think that is my right!" He was dumb as a rock, and quite mad. The faeries dealt with him, as faeries are able, They sent him to sleep, and they made him a table. Doubt me if you want, but I swear it's no fable. My story is quite ironclad. The Duke of the Faeries is merciful and wise. He's strong, while still willing to compromise. So he gave him to some of Heart City's allies, (that's us!) So he'll soon be in jail and quite sad. And everybody that he's ever met will be glad, 'Cause he'll be pelted with fruit till he's plaid.
Shoelaces 01:18
They're beautiful and long. They're what keeps all our shoes on. They're quite useful, it's true, For you, if you wear a shoe. In that case, I quite heartily suggest that you acquire them by the pair. Just in case you should happen to break them, I would definitely buy a spare! Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces shoe- Laces shoelaces shoelaces shoelace- Es shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces. Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces. Some folks, they might say no. Those fools want to use velcro, Some go barefoot, as well. Screw that! They can go to hell! From this folly they always will suffer. Their feet never will be nicely dressed. For a shoelace lifestyle is perfect. A shoelace lends to walking its zest. Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces shoe- Laces shoelaces shoelaces shoelace- Es shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces. Shoelaces shoelaces Shoelaces shoelaces Shoelaces shoelaces shoelaces.
That's So 01:43
That's So: A Tribute To The Beloved Mayor of Heart City By The New Brelkin To The Tune Of The Ballad of Explosive Soldier Mayor Reshtha has served us for so very long. She keeps our best interests at heart. And yet, the heart's door remains quite closed. You'd think she'd at least have made a start. That's so. You'd think she'd have made a start. Mayor Reshtha claims that she keeps the peace, And no citizens are attacked. Yet our businessmen find that 'Kick Me' signs Are pinned onto their backs, that's so. They're pinned onto their backs. Miss Squirrel can walk into the Stone's Throw, Attacking, quite consequences-free, It seems Cinestians have got the right, More rights than you or me. That's so. More rights than you or me. Mayor Reshtha says that she speaks for us all, She says so quite eloquently. Then abandons debates without answering one thing. Now, why on earth might that be? Who knows. Just why on earth might that be? Mayor Reshtha's ruled two hundred years. Her service, we never will contest. But it's time for a change and some new ideas, And a bear who will fight for what's best. That's so. A bear who will fight for what's best.
Dream 02:45
Last night, I had the strangest dream. I was a human rogue, Vacationing on an adventurer's cruise, which seemed to be in vogue. There also was a lizard who was a bit of a pacifist. A scholarly gnome, wise yet quite rash, G F G Completed our party's list. Our party met an oily man, Named Jonathan Diggledo. He said some orcs had stolen an orb, But we weren't sure it was true. The gnome hoped to cast 'wall of daggers', So she said, again and again. I talked to the orcs, who thought I was a goblin named Kevin. We fought a bit, wall of daggers was cast, I threatened to smash the orb. We left, having learned of Diggledo's lies, A fact that we had to absorb. Diggledo had become the mayor, having defeated a shaggy bear. We turned the crowd against him, when the gnome laid Diggledo's deceit bare. The mayor became a demon, and the crowd became a mob. We decided that it was time to go, Since we had completed our job. I woke, and rubbed my eyes. It was the oddest dream I'd had. A world where I'm not a cat! I swear I must have been quite mad.
Endorsement 02:00
A monkish goat hoped to frustrate The rulers of the surveillance state. Privacy fans find it hard to love A deputy sheriff who spies out of Ten eye stalks Ten eye stalks looking for crime through ten Crystal balls. She asked an Orc to fight a cat, The orc said 'no' and that was that. The goat said, c'mon, you must be mad. 'Cause you know that the mayor is awful bad. We need less laws, for more freedom. Fewer laws, and that's all. Take back our power with fewer laws. Just about then, the cat stopped by, He found the goat and he did try To invite that goat to the mayor's lair. The goat said, 'I'd sooner elect a bear.' So I endorse a bearish cleric. I endorse Decim. Believe it or not, that's who I endorse.
Mothers 02:16
Dear mothers, hi! It's Skullbutt, Your son who owes you so much. I'm sorry for that day I snuck away. You must have felt so mad and so betrayed, I still miss you so. I've traveled since I left you, Performing for my supper. I still use the lute I took from you that day. I think about you every time I play. I hope you're all right. BRIDGE: I've adventured far, written lots of songs, Never settled down, at least not for long. Right now I'm in the Goddess's Repose, In Heart City jail -- you know how that goes. (Meh.) I hope you hear this message. I hope it finds you both well. I'd love to hear from you, if possible. I know I deserve more than an earful. But it's been too long. Far too long. From, your son, Skullbutt.
Bearish 02:45
Version 1: Victory Mayor Reshtha, you've been our mayor for a couple centuries. You've fought the valiant fight, racked up many victories. And you've seen the people of Heart City through years of thick and thin. But even dragons can't always win. Now we're bearish on the dragon, and we're bullish on the bear. Time to pack up all your troubles, And move on to your next lair. You ran quite a campaign, But we beat you fair and square. Now we're bearish on the dragon, and we're bullish on the bear. The policies you set: they aren't your problem any more. Now it's time to leave the mansion, the one that once was yours. Your next adventure lies ahead. If you look, it's plain to see. Now it's time to go on. Let your heart be free. Heart City's bearish on the dragon, and they're bullish on the bear. Time to pack up all your troubles, And move on to your next lair. You ran quite a campaign, But we beat you fair and square. Now we're bearish on the dragon, and we're bullish on the bear. Version 2: Concession Now, Decim, you've been a candidate for about a month or two. You've fought the valiant fights, and you've won more than a few. And you've campaigned around Heart City, wearing out your fancy shoes. But even priestly bears are sometimes bound to lose. Now Heart City's bullish on the dragon, and they're bearish on the bear. Time to look for a new project. Time to pack away your cares. You ran quite a campaign, But she beat you fair and square. Now they're bullish on the dragon, and they're bearish on the bear. Your policy proposals aren't your problem any more. Now forget about that mansion that you once might become yours. Your next adventure lies ahead. If you look, it's plain to see. Now it's time to move on. Let your heart be free. 'Cause Heart City's bullish on the dragon, and they're bearish on the bear. Time to look for a new project. Time to pack away your cares. We ran quite a campaign, But she beat us fair and square. Now they're bullish on the dragon, and they're bearish on the bear. Version 3: Third Party Reshtha and Decim, I'm here to say, you were my top two candidates, But sometimes, it seems, a third party prevails by their bare wits. And you campaigned long and hard, seemed there's no way you could lose, But even bears and dragons sometimes sing the blues. Now Heart City's bearish on the dragon, and they're bearish on the bear. Guess they wanted something different, That's why neither of you's the mayor. You both ran quite a campaign, But they beat you fair and square. Now they're bearish on the dragon, and they're bearish on the bear. The policies you promoted aren't your problem any more. Leave all politics behind, for they'll vex you nevermore. Your next adventure lies ahead. If you look, it's plain to see. Now it's time to go on. Let your heart be free. The voters were bearish on the dragon, and they're bearish on the bear. Guess they wanted something different, That's why neither of you's the mayor. You both ran quite a campaign, But they beat you fair and square. Now we're bearish on the dragon, and we're bearish on the bear.
Dragonquest 02:42
When I was but a young dragon, I went to the Goddess' Repose I declared my love for my sweetest one, but the heart door remained closed. The heart door remained closed. The heart door remained closed. My love was so strong, it stretched to the stars and back, But my love for ambition was stronger still, and I now regret that lack. We would not be denied, and so we tunneled down from above. A jealous shadow was released, and tore apart our love. We fought it hard, and there I died, a victim of its hate. My lover vowed to keep others from sharing our sad fate. My body rots behind that door, where I'll stay until time ends, Or until somebody unlocks the door with the wisdom of Pete Townshend.
Cauldron 00:49
You've been down in Torsoland, you're not feeling great. A faerie has blown half your nose off. Your mage has no spell points, your fighter's half dead, And your bard has developed a bad cough. So where can a poor party go? Listen close, for I want you to know ... For potions and pills, cursèd and divine, And perfumes both rare and pungent, Go to the one shop that's definitely haunted, And visit the Black Cauldron!
Fire 01:17
Mr. Blades and Grouse the mouse / Had a date at Blade's house. While Skullbutt and Celesa / Were going out for dinnah. Black rabbit barges in, / Skullbutt sends it out again. Blades asks Grouse to knife a guy -- / Grouse would like to know why. Torture basement, rope ladder / Vines grow from a dagger. Blades and Grouse get out of hand, / Blades runs into Decim. Bad decisions cascade. / Decim chomps on Mr. Blades. Lightning strikes the Stone's Throw, / Mayor Decim bellows: We didn't start the fire It was always burning Since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No we didn't light it But we tried to fight it


These songs were written for season 2 of the 'Dice to Meet You' Dungeons and Dragons podcast, available at dicetomeetyou.com and wherever podcasts are available, and were recorded during tapings of the podcast.

The podcast concerns the adventures of Grouse the mouse rogue (played by Glen Tickle), Skullbutt the feline bard (played by me), Audreyn Thwaite the goat monk (played by Tara Dunderdale), and Decim D. Tauren the bear cleric (played by Troy Carvale). The host and dungeon master is Keith McBlane.

You can learn more about the world of the campaign at dicetomeetyou.com/the-goddess-repose-campaign-info/ .

The songs may not make sense to anyone not listening to the podcast, but I hope they are fun either way!


released December 30, 2016

Music and lyrics by Jacob Haller. Art by Shaenon K. Garrity. 'Dice to Meet You' logo by Keith McBlane.


Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.



Jacob Haller Providence, Rhode Island

Jacob Haller has been a fixture of the Rhode Island music scene for ten years, and has been frequently featured in popular shows such as AS220's Empire Revue and Common Fence Point Music's annual Gathering of Fiddlers & Fishermen.

"Jacob Haller is not only a talented musician and songwriter, he's also a talented songwriter and musician."

-- Harper Johnson, Co-Host of The Blues Record podcast
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