Mistaken Identity

by Jacob Haller

Mistaken Identity Cover Art
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about

This is my first CD and I wanted it to reflect what you would be likely to see at one of my live shows. As such, half of the recordings are just me and my guitar; a few more also feature my friend and longtime musical collaborator Chris Monti on backing vocals and guitar or mandolin; and a few others have a larger sound, and are intended to give a sense of what it's like when I perform with my band the Killdevils or sit in with another great Providence band, the Superchief Trio. The lyrics are all mine and generally fall into the category of 'bluesy alternative folk'.

If you buy the album via digital download, in addition to the tracks you'll get a pdf of the album artwork plus the original photo of me wearing a fez and playing the accordion that was the basis for the portrait of me on the interior of the CD.

credits

released 06 October 2009
All songs are written and performed by Jacob Haller. All recordings were engineered and produced by Keith Munslow and mastered by Mark Donahue at Soundmirror of Boston, Massachusetts. Additional performances by: Chris Monti (backing vocals and slide guitar on 'Lady Luck' and 'You're the Tea in my Teacup', backing vocals and mandolin on 'A Dozen Lovely Roses'), Keith Munslow (keyboard on 'Ezra's Song' and 'Adorable Kittens', percussion on miscellaneous songs), and Serena Andrews, Sarah Dawson, Bridget Dignan, Scuffy Genius, Keith Munslow, Pamela Murray, Daniel Ouellette, Ron Pigeon, Sonny Roelle, and John Windle (backing vocals on 'Adorable Kittens'). CD design and cover photo by Serena Andrews. Interior photo by Pamela Murray.

All songs copyright ©2009 Jacob Haller.

Additional recordings, plus videos and other material, can be found at music.jwgh.org .

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tags: acoustic blues folk funny humor singer-songwriter witty Providence

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Track Name: Stale Tequila
After the show, I had packed up my guitar
You caught my eye, you were standing at the bar
You flashed me a knowing grin,
Looking so good, it was half a sin.
I felt myself start to fall in lust
My brain began to whirl
I thought it might combust.

CHORUS:
And I woke up
The taste of stale tequila in my mouth.
I looked around, I was all alone.
How could you do it
You were so beautiful.

A few more drinks, and a half a pack of smokes.
We talked for hours, you laughed at all my jokes.
Then we went back to your hotel
And did some things
I shouldn't tell.
And I felt myself
start to fall asleep.
You made me feel so safe
That it almost made me weep.

[CHORUS]

Then I awoke in a bathtub full of ice
You left a note, I had to read it twice
It said "call 911.
I stole your kidney.
Thanks for the fun."
And I felt myself
start to fall apart.
I know you took my kidney
but you also stole my heart.

[CHORUS]
Track Name: Photo Album
Hey, darling, won't you please put down that old Necronomicon?
I've been thinking of back when
You were a pretty child of ten.
Here's a picture of you drawing pentagrams upon the lawn --
It's amazing how you've grown since that day.

Here you are on the night you sacrificed your first goat.
It was bleating awful loud.
You know you made me awful proud
When you took your silver knife and you cut its little throat;
It's amazing how you've grown since that day.

Ah, and here's a picture from the day you became old Satan's bride.
There you are, all dressed in black,
Satan's nervous in the back.
You were such a lovely couple, and your ma and me both cried.
It's amazing how you've grown since that day.

Honey, thanks for looking through this album with me today,
All the memories within,
Nicely bound in human skin.
You were a handful, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
No, I wouldn't have it any other way.
No, I wouldn't have you any other way.
Track Name: I'm A Guy
I'm a guy
I spell G ... U ... Y
That spells 'guy'

I'm a guy who sews
and I'm a guy who knits
and I also happen to be
a guy who likes chick flicks

I'm a guy
I spell G ... U ... Y
That spells 'guy'

I'm a guy who cries
at movies, songs, and plays
Yeah, but I'm a better man than you
Oh, let me just count the ways

I'm a guy (that's one)
I spell G (that's two)
U
Y
That spells 'guy'

I'm a guy who went to see
'The Vagina Monologues'
And you know I'll ask for directions
When I'm lost in the fog

Guy
I spell G
U
Y
That spells 'guy'

(That's me, all right!)
Track Name: Watching Killer Robots Eat Your Head
This song is about you. It's called "Watching Killer Robots Eating Your Head."

I was on I-95 just the other day
And I guess I was one of the people who was in your way
And you cut right in front of me without any sign
But I guess you're in a hurry, and, buddy, that's just fine
But now that I'm home and I've gone to bed
I have a strange vision running all through my head ...

I'm watching killer robots eat your head
Though I promise that I really don't WISH YOU WERE DEAD
Maybe my mind's telling me something, but what could it be?
'Cause it's strangely enjoyable, but perhaps that's just me
Watching killer robots eating your head

And now I'm in a meeting and, man, it's going long
And I thought it was almost over, but, lord, I was wrong
And you're raising up your hand and you're starting to talk
And, not to be mean, but you seem as dumb as a rock
And now you're accusing folks of not taking these meetings seriously
And I close my eyes, and here's what I see:

I'm watching killer robots eat your head
Though I promise that I really don't WISH YOU WERE DEAD
Maybe my mind's telling me something, but what could it be?
'Cause it's quite invigorating, but perhaps that's just me
Watching killer robots eating your head

So if you see me smiling strangely please just stay away
'Cause I'm not hurting anybody, and let's keep it that way.
I'm a productive member of society
Despite my odd and violent-seeming fantasy
And if sometimes I've a faraway look in my eyes
Don't ask me what I'm thinking, you might get a surprise:

I'm watching killer robots eat your head
I swear that I really don't WISH YOU WERE DEAD
Maybe my mind's telling me something, but what could it be?
It's strangely erotic ... I think everyone knows what I'm talking about.
Watching killer robots eating your head
Watching killer robots eating your head
Track Name: A Dozen Lovely Roses
Well, Jenny and Frank were sweethearts,
Though they lived so far apart,
But the weekends they spent together
Kept them close to each other's heart.
Swore they'd be true,
'Til their faces turned blue.

Now Jenny had on the radio
Tuned to WHJG;
Radio host called up Frank, asked,
"Who might your true love be?
You've won a prize
For the apple of your eyes.

CHORUS:
It's a dozen lovely roses --
So much louder than words they speak.
Imagine, do, the rosy hue
they'll bring to your lover's cheek."

Frank didn't pause for a minute,
'Cause the answer's as clear as can be:
"Send those roses to my sweet wife,
Esmerelda, if you please."
Then Jenny cried,
for she knew he'd lied

Now Frank was talking to Jenny:
"I was just kidding," is what he said;
"Well I ain't joking" said Jenny,
"If you come around here you're dead.
No matter what you say,
stay the hell away;

CHORUS:
'Cause a dozen lovely roses --
So much louder than words they speak.
And now, see you, the rosy hue
they bring to your lover's cheek."

Now this story's has a moral;
it's as simple as it can be.
To find out the truth of the matter,
turn to WHJG.
Ask Jenny why
and she'll just sigh,

"Well, a dozen lovely roses --
So much louder than words they speak.
Imagine, do, the rosy hue
they'll bring to your lover's cheek."

Yes, a dozen lovely roses --
So much louder than words they speak.
Imagine, do, the rosy hue
they'll bring to your lover's cheek.
Track Name: Hybrid Car Blues
I know you love me, baby
Because you know I'm what you need
And you know I'm built for comfort
Yeah, I'm not just built for speed

Yeah I'm your hybrid car
You know you want me, don't deny
'Cause you know I handle great, now
Why don't you take me for a ride?

I'm not like those SUVs, babe
Yeah, you'll be glad you made the switch
You know those things'll roll right over
They'll leave you lonely in a ditch

But I'm your hybrid car
You can't resist me, don't even try
'Cause I can hug close to your curves
Why don't you take me for a ride?

With other cars you can't hear yourself think
They're loud and they're noisy too
But you listen to me purr, girl
And you know I'm the one for you

'Cause I'm your hybrid car
You can count on me, and that's no lie
'Cause I never run out of gas
Why don't you take me for a ride?
Track Name: You're The Tea In My Teacup
You're the tea in my teacup.
You're the beer in my glass.
You're the whiskey in my coffee.
I know that we're gonna last.
I know we're sure gonna last.

CHORUS:
And I can't live without you, baby.
You just smooth all my troubles away.
You've become quite a habit to me;
I need you more each and every day.

You're the heroin in my needle.
You're the cocaine on my spoon.
You make me so high I feel like I could fiy.
You've got me howling at the moon.
You've got me howling at the moon.

[CHORUS]

You're the rock in my crack pipe.
You're the monkey on my back.
You know how much I need you,
so please won't you take me back?
Oh, please won't you take me back?

CHORUS:
'Cause I can't live without you, baby.
You just smooth all my troubles away.
You've become quite a habit to me;
I need you more each and every day.
I want you more each and every day.
Track Name: Absolute Zero
Well, I take Rosie out on Mondays and on Tuesdays I see Sue.
Then on Wednesdays I see Sarah, lord, she knows just what to do.
And on Thursdays I see Lisa and on Fridays Anna Lee,
Then I give myself a break. I like to keep my weekends free.

My friends say, "Jake, you oughtta settle down.
You're gonna regret your ways."
But if you think I'll ever stop running 'round,
Well, I've got news for you.
That'll never be true.
I'm afraid that I ain't gonna ever change,
'Cause my heart's at absolute zero.

[Spoken:]
All right. So absolute zero, it's the lowest possible temperature. It's 273.15 degrees below zero Celsius. That's fairly cold.
It's the temperature at which all molecular motion ceases, so for the purpose of this song I sort of think of it as the temperature of complete stasis. That's where I'm going with this.
All right, I guess that ends the chemistry lesson.

Well, you know all the ladies love me.
I sure try to treat them fine.
And if they ain't having a real good time,
well, I know it sure ain't my fault.

Now, I take Rosie out on Mondays and on Tuesdays I see Sue.
Then on Wednesdays I see Sarah, lord, she knows just what to do.
And on Thursdays I see Lisa and on Friday Anna Lee,
Then I give myself a break. I like to keep my weekends free.

My friends say, "Jake, you oughtta settle down.
You're totally out of control."
But if you think I'll ever stop running 'round,
Well, I've got news for you.
That'll never be true.
I'm afraid that I ain't gonna ever change,
'Cause my heart's at absolute zero.
Yeah, I'm afraid that I ain't gonna ever change,
'Cause my heart's at absolute zero.
Track Name: Mistaken Identity
Excuse me, but I was wondering --
You look quite familiar to me.
Might I have seen you on match.com,
OKCupid, or eHarmony?

If I haven't, I guess that's no big surprise.
This has happened before, you see.
When you've seen as many dating profiles as I have
Everyone looks the same to me.

Hey there, buddy, how're you doing?
What, you don't recognize me?
Didn't I see you just the other day
at Amazing Video down Empire Street?

If I haven't, I guess that's no big surprise.
This has happened before, you see.
When you've been to as many purveyors of pornography as I have
Everyone looks the same to me.

(Try not to think about that too much.)

I acknowledge you're a unique individual,
You're one in a million and ten.
Wait, no, I think I'm thinking of someone else.
Just who the hell are you again?

So excuse me if I'm bothering you;
I could have sworn we're the best of friends.
You really don't remember who I am?
I guess that's how our story ends.

I guess it's really no big surprise;
I've always had rotten luck.
But for the sake of old acquaintance,
Could you lend me a lousy buck?
Track Name: Lady Luck
Well I used to love Ramona, thought about her all the time.
Yes I used to love Ramona, thought about her all the time.
One day, she told me what she thought about me.
Guess I'll have better luck next time.

Once I asked Stacy to see me, I said I thought she was divine.
Yes I asked Stacy to see me, said I thought she was divine.
Well, she laughed, and she told me to go straight to Hell.
Guess I'll have better luck next time.

Well, my luck's been pretty bad so far
But not for long, that's not my fate.
'Cause it's always darkest before it's dawn
and good things come to those that wait.
I just have to keep my chin up, that's my most solemn vow.
I could meet the right person any time, and it just might be right now.

I married sweet Fiona, I'd be hers and she'd be mine.
Yes I married sweet Fiona, swore I'd be hers and she'd be mine.
But now it seems that she's somebody else's.
Guess I'll have better luck next time, you bet I will
You know I'll have better luck next time. You know I will.
I bet I'll have better luck next time!
Track Name: Ezra's Song
You know my nephew was bathing in his parent's bathtub,
And I heard my sister splashing as she gave him a scrub.
Then I heard his footsteps when she pulled out the plug,
And she said, "No naked babies running on a rug.
No no, no no no,
You know I told you before that you're as cute as a bug,
But there are no naked babies allowed on a rug."

Now my nephew is running all over the floor
And he's giggling and heading right towards the front door.
Now his father's laughing, but to him he confides,
"You know that no naked babies are going outside.
No no, no no no
You know I told you before, now let me be your guide
'Cause there are no naked babies allowed to go outside."

Now a gleam's in his eye, and a grin's on his face,
And he's eyeing the furniture that's all over the place,
And now my nephew is running from here to over there.
His folks say, "No naked babies should climb on a chair.
No no, no no no no no no.
You know I've told you before, and I know it's not fair
But there are no naked babies allowed on a chair."
Track Name: (Whenever I'm Sad, I Do A Web-Search For Pictures Of) Adorable Kittens
Some days it's hard to be a woman
Some days it's hard to be a man
Some days the world makes you madder than Hell
It's more than a person can stand

When your day is like that you don't have to feel bad;
There's no place where that rule is written
Just do what I do, and do a web search
For pictures of adorable kittens.

CHORUS:
Adorable kittens!
Adorable kittens!
Whenever I'm sad I do a web search
For pictures of adorable kittens.

It works without fail, it picks me right up
And puts a big grin on my face.
It gets my spirit from down off the floor
And shoots it into outer space

There's lots of things that people might like,
Like ice cream, or babies with mittens
But I'd trade every one for a few gigabytes
Of pictures of adorable kittens.

[CHORUS]

So now it's time to finish my CD.
I'd like to thank you for your time
and your patience as you listened to my little verse.
I tried hard to make it all rhyme.

And now as we near the end of the song
I hope you like the way that it ends.
As for me, I'll be heading on back to my home
where I'll web-search for adorable kittens.

[CHORUS, LAST TWO LINES REPEAT]