Circumstantial Evidence

by Jacob Haller

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about

Jacob Haller's second release, 'Circumstantial Evidence', features thirteen examples of his inimitably skewed perspective, this time assisted by a bunch of great Rhode Island musicians: Joe Auger, Natalie Markward, Pamela Murray, Chris Monti, Jack Hanlon, Jeff Keithline, and Daniel Schleifer.

credits

released 11 November 2011
This album was recorded and mixed at Machines with Magnets by Keith Souza and Seth Manchester and mastered at Sound Mirror by Mark Donahue.
Album art is by CW Roelle and photography by Pamela Murray.
Wolfcub Records logo by Serena Andrews.

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about

Jacob Haller Providence, Rhode Island

This Rhode Island-based singer/songwriter keeps audiences entertained, be it at an intimate coffee shop or a 200-seat venue. His eclectic original songs cover topics ranging from robots to knitting to substance abuse to kittens and resulted in him getting nominated for best singer/songwriter in 2010 in the Providence Phoenix. ... more

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Track Name: Dear Santa
I want a robot for Christmas, one a hundred meters high.
One with flashing lights and dials. It could walk or swim or fly.
It would put me on its shoulder so I'd never be alone.
It would conquer all the planet with its horde of robot clones.
It would rule benevolently, or so it would seem, but then
It would see us, every one of us, to some evil aliens.
I would lead the human rebellion 'gainst our metal overlord.
My paradoxes would drive it crazy, cause its poor head to explode.
I'd be a hero to all the humans, become president of the world.
Statues would be erected to me, 'cause I'd been so smart and bold.
That's why
I want a robot for Christmas, one a hundred meters high.
One with flashing lights and dials. It could walk or swim or fly.
Track Name: Circumstantial Evidence
Just because I'm wobbly on my pins
doesn't mean I've been drinking too much gin.
It might be that I can't walk the line.
It might be I smell of cheap wine.
But it's all just circumstantial evidence.
Who're you gonna trust, me or your senses?

Just because there's powder on my nose
doesn't give you the right to suppose.
Maybe I had a powdered sugar doughnut
Or something else, there's no way you can know what.
'Cause it's all just circumstantial evidence.
Who're you gonna trust, me or your senses?

Just because I smell a bit of smoke
Doesn't mean I've had a little toke.
Could be I passed a conflageration,
So don't accuse me of intoxication.
'Cause it's all just circumstantial evidence.
Who're you gonna trust, me or your senses?
Track Name: Avocados & Beer
VERSE 1:
It's been a day and a half since you left me
And I've tried to make sense of it all
I didn't know you were unhappy,
I never saw we were headed for a fall
When I enter the empty apartment you left,
Well you know that it's lonely, my dear.
And I open the fridge just to see what's still there
To only find avocados and beer.

VERSE 2:
I know that I'm sometimes hard to get along with
But I didn't know I was that bad
And if I was insensitive, I'm sorry
'Cause you're the best thing I ever had
I should have listened to all you were saying
I understand why you had to leave here
It was still quite a shock to come home home this evening
To only find avocados and beer.

CHORUS:
Avocados and beer!
All alone in the fridge, it's what's left of the life that we made
Avocados and beer!
I thought we'd never part, but now all of my dreams are betrayed
Avocados and beer!
I thought we were a great pair
But you've left now, and now I'm aware
We're not like beans and cornbread, I've afraid that instead
We go together like avocados and beer

VERSE 3:
Now I know that I drink maybe more than I should
My beer belly's gotten quite a few stares
But I always tried to get you whatever you wanted
That's why I bought those alligator pears
And I thought that together we'd make it at last
We'd conquer together our fears
But all of my hopes have transformed into pain
I've just got avocados and beer

CHORUS:
Avocados and beer!
All alone in the fridge, it's what's left of the life that we made
Avocados and beer!
I thought we'd never part, but now all of my dreams are betrayed
Avocados and beer!
I thought we were a great pair
But you've left now, and now I'm aware
We're not like peas in a pod, we're like hotcakes and salt cod
We're like caviar and kielbasa, or strychnine and waffles,
We go together like avocados and beer
Track Name: Mistreating Yarn Blues
I walked into a yarn store, happy as I could be
I walked into a yarn store, happy as I could be
Then the next thing you know, yarn store owner's shaking me

Now they got me arrested, charge of mistreating yarn
Now they got me arrested, charge of mistreating yarn
Now maybe I touched some but I sure didn't mean no harm

Now before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself
Keeping all of this pretty yarn captive on that dusty shelf

Yeah, the judge sentenced me, ten years in that Cranston pen
Yeah, the judge sentenced me, ten years in that Cranston pen
Would have been twenty-nine but that yarn was just Lion Brand
Track Name: Blame the Train
I was going down to DC for
the best day of my life.
I was going to see my sweetheart
& make that girl my wife.
I waited at the station
but the train did not arrive.

Blame the train!
That's why I'm always late.
It's not me!
I do not procrastinate.
These excuses
have got to seem quite lame.
But I'm telling you, it's not my fault.
Please, darlin', blame the train.

I went to drive back home
to call my loving lass.
I sped towards the railway crossing
when I heard a whistle blast.
I had to sit & wait as a hundred
railcars rumbled past.

Blame the train!
It's why I never call.
It's not me!
I'm always on the ball.
These excuses
have got to seem quite lame.
But I'm telling you, it's not my fault.
Please, darlin', blame the train.

This song seems headed for tragedy,
but in fact it's not that way.
I took the next plane South
and I wed her that same day,
and now here's what I tell her
every morning, every day:

Blame the train!
It's the reason that I snore.
It's not me!
who forgot to wash the floor.
These excuses
may seem a bit insane.
But I'm telling you, it's not my fault.
Please, darlin', blame the train.
Track Name: Part-Time Dog
You know I used to have a dog, I loved to have that dog around,
But now that she is gone, I'm not gonna rush off to no pound.

It's great to have a dog, that's what all dog-owners say,
But I like having some freedom -- you know that leash, it goes both ways.

I want me a part time dog, won't keep me up late every night
Some companionship here and there, once in a while she'll treat me right

My part-time dog & I will cross paths every once in a little while.
I'll give her treats and rub her tummy, love to see that doggy smile.

My part-time dog'll be well-cared for, it just won't be by only me.
Sharing dogs is very modern, so don't you cluck your tongue at me.

I want me a part-time dog, one who's sweet as she can be
One who'll always be happy to always stay part-time with me.

You know I ain't no SOB who'd turn a hungry dog from his door.
I'd treat her well while she is mine, miss her when she goes next door.

It'll be sad to see her go, watch her go so far away
But trust me, man, it'd be sadder still if she'd stick around every day

I want me a part-time dog, I guess I've told you the reasons why
Now all I need's to find a puppy who's looking for a part-time guy.
Track Name: Just You
You make me feel just like the luckiest guy alive.
I've never felt this way before, or at most just once or twice.

You're a wonderful person, you've got right under my skin.
That's why it's true, I love only you
And you
And you.

I'm just like an apple hanging from a tree
I feel so nice, it's paradise, and you're my little Eve.

The way I feel about you, it's got to be an original sin.
You know it's true, I love only you
Just you
And you.

You know that I love you
Quite exclusively
So please be mine for the rest of time
and forget about the girls who love only me

I'm just like Romeo to your Juliet
We're in Act II, our love is true, and we ain't dead quite yet.

Ever since I met you, you put me in a spin.
That's why it's true, I'm in love with you.
If you don't love me then I'll be so blue -
Won't you make me coo and just say, "I do"?
'Cause you know it's true, I'm in love with you,
Just you
And you.
Track Name: Codependent
My life has changed since we parted.
I've been sleeping eight hours a night.
and I must confess I drink a lot less,
I'm not always looking for a fight.

If you'd asked me, I'd never have guessed this would be
The way I'd be living today.
Won't you come back and rescue me?
I just can't go on living this way ...

BRIDGE:
Now, some folks might call us codependent
And say our reuniting's insane;
But things ain't the same without you, my dear --
Please come back and make me miserable again.

Yesterday I saw you in town, looking
happier than I've seen you in years
And suddenly I missed those old time feelings:
Anger, betrayal, and fear.

BRIDGE:
I want us to be more than lovers
And I want us to be less than friends
Won't you look into your heart and come back, dear?
We can drive each other crazy again.

Won't you break my heart and come back dear?
We can be codependent again.
Track Name: Stale Tequila
After the show, I had packed up my guitar
You caught my eye, you were standing at the bar
You flashed me a knowing grin,
Looking so good, it was half a sin.
I felt myself start to fall in lust
My brain began to whirl
I thought it might combust.

CHORUS:
And I woke up
The taste of stale tequila in my mouth.
I looked around, I was all alone.
How could you do it
You were so beautiful.

A few more drinks, and a half a pack of smokes.
We talked for hours, you laughed at all my jokes.
Then we went back to your hotel
And did some things
I shouldn't tell.
And I felt myself
start to fall asleep.
You made me feel so safe
That it almost made me weep.

[CHORUS]

Then I awoke in a bathtub full of ice
You left a note, I had to read it twice
It said "call 911.
I stole your kidney.
Thanks for the fun."
And I felt myself
start to fall apart.
I know you took my kidney
but you also stole my heart.

[CHORUS]
Track Name: Soft Spot
I can't tell where I begin and you end.
Can't distinguish between me and you.
To my earthly needs you always tend.
Now hold me. You know that it's true:

I've got a soft spot on my head for you.
I've got a soft spot on my head for you.

When you leave I feel like you're gone for good,
And all that I can do is cry.
Without you I could barely lift my head.
Now hold me, I'll tell you why:

I've got a soft spot on my head for you.
I've got a soft spot on my head for you.

I have no words to say how I feel.
When you're near I am weak in the knees.
With you, I can take this world's ordeal.
Never leave me, mama, please ...
Never leave me, mama, please ...

You're always there when I need a change.
You're there when I wake in the night.
I know that whatever the day will bring,
You'll make everything all right.

I've got a soft spot on my head for you.
I've got a soft spot on my head for you.
Track Name: The Ballad of Anne Hutchinson
Anne Hutchinson was a mighty woman.
She was the daughter of Francis Marbury.
She was put on trial in 1637
for preaching in the Boston colony, lord, lord.
For preaching in that Boston colony.

The governor said to Anne Hutchinson
"You've broken the Biblical law.
A woman's place is honoring her husband,
not speaking out in church at all."

"Well let me read to you from the Bible,"
Anne said to that governor,
"It says that my duty, as an older woman,
is to teach to those that are younger."

Anne said, "What law have I broken?
Just tell me, and I'll see if it's true."
The governor shouted, "Now hold on, sister,
'Cause we're the judges here, not you."

They argued for days into evenings.
The governor was losing his cool.
Despite all his learning, this self-taught midwife
was making him look like a fool.

Now Anne said, "You know that I'm not worried,
'Cause God said you can't hurt me."
The judge laughed out loud and the court retired
To convict her of heresy.

Some might say the moral of the story
is the danger of too much pride.
I say it shows it's hard to break that glass ceiling,
even with God on your side.

Anne Hutchinson was a mighty woman.
She was the daughter of Francis Marbury.
She was put on trial in 1637
for preaching in the Boston colony.
Track Name: All Alone
I had a hell of a time the other night.
My friends and I went out.
We drank, and ate, and partied it up;
Everybody starts to dance and shout.

And we joked, and we laughed, and I bought another round
Then I bought another round again;
Man, I don't think I've had a better time --
I thought it would never end.

Now I'm all alone.
I'm all alone.
After I've wined and dined,
well, it's time to unwind
'Cause I'm all alone.

I had some folks over this last weekend.
It was a hell of an affair.
There was dancing, and singing, and five-card stud;
Everyone I knew was there.

Now this party, it started at half past nine,
And at six it's still going strong;
If you asked me I'd've said it would never end,
But I guess I'd've been quite wrong.

Now I'm all alone.
I'm all alone.
Now that things are calm
Maybe I'll call my mom,
'Cause I'm all alone

I was out with a lady the other night
And I thought it was going quite well.
I'd dressed to the nines and ordered the wine
I was feeling awful swell.

We were having fun at the end of the night,
And so I went in for a kiss.
She looked so great and it seemed to me
There was no way that I could miss.

I'm all alone.
I'm all alone.
It's been a night of thrills.
Time to pay my bills,
'Cause I'm all alone.

'Cause I'm all alone.
I'm all alone.
Guess I'll get out the broom
'Cause there's dust in the room
And I'm all alone.

It's the end of the day, I'll
check my email,
'Cause I'm all alone.
Track Name: Relatively Human
I went out last night, and I stayed out pretty late.
Now I feel relatively human, and that is relatively great.

I had gin for dinner, vodka for dessert.
Now I'm thinking whiskey for breakfast, I don't see how it could hurt.

I woke up in a strange place, guess that's where I went to bed,
But I'm feeling pretty good now, considering I probably should be dead.

Give me a cup of coffee, then pour me another five,
'Cause I'm feeling relatively human, but only 40% alive.